She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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