apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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