I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
