Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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