you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
