she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
