conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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