I can't breathe out the right side of my face
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
