the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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