New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
