Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
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I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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