It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
