New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
