I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
