Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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