Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
