Michael Bay diarrhea
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
