We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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