It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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