theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
