Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
