Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
