Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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