ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
