I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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