I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
