I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
