She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is my gift to your gina
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
