if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
