is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
