I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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