Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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