Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
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I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
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HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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