U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
