So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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