the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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