'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
