I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
