Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
