Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
