ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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