i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
