i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
