hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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