last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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