U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I feel like abortions should bother me more
this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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