I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
