I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
