Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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