Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
