I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
