He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
