she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
