The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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