i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
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Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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