you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
