I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This house was built for laser tag.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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