The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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