You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
